Relationships are at the core of how we experience life, whether they’re romantic, sexual, platonic, or even the way we relate to ourselves. For gay and queer men, relationships often carry an extra layer of complexity. Between navigating coming out, dealing with rejection or shame, and trying to build healthy connections within the LGBTQ+ community, it’s easy to find yourself wondering why some relationships feel natural and safe, while others trigger anxiety, avoidance, or even self-sabotage.

Attachment theory offers some valuable clues. By understanding your attachment style, you can start to piece together why you approach relationships the way you do and how to build healthier, more fulfilling connections moving forward.

What is attachment theory, and why should gay and queer men care?

Attachment theory isn’t just psychology lingo. It’s a way to understand how your earliest experiences, especially those with your carers when you were a child, shaped how you connect with others today. If you were raised feeling safe, valued, and secure, you’re more likely to expect positive outcomes in your adult relationships. If those early relationships were unpredictable, neglectful, or even harmful, you might find yourself struggling with trust, vulnerability, or rejection.

This discussion isn’t about blame. It’s about understanding yourself better and giving yourself permission to rewrite old stories about what love, intimacy, and friendship can look like.

The Four Attachment Styles: Which One Sounds Familiar?

There’s no "good" or "bad" attachment style, but understanding where you sit can shine a light on your patterns:

Secure Attachment

You feel comfortable with both closeness and independence. You trust your partners and friends; you communicate your needs; and you handle conflict without spiralling into panic or avoidance.

Anxious Attachment

You crave closeness and reassurance, but you often fear being abandoned or not being “enough.” You might overthink texts, overanalyse conversations, or worry that people will leave you.

Avoidant Attachment

You value independence and might feel uncomfortable when people get too close emotionally. You might downplay your needs, avoid vulnerability, or push others away before they have a chance to hurt you.

Disorganised Attachment

This style can feel like a push-pull between wanting connection and fearing it at the same time. It’s often linked to unresolved trauma and inconsistent caregiving, leaving you unsure whether closeness is safe or dangerous.

How Growing Up Gay or Queer Shapes Attachment Styles

If you’re a gay man, queer man, or part of the LGBTQIA+ community, your attachment story didn’t just start with your parents. It’s been shaped by every message you received about your identity and how safe it was (or wasn’t) to be yourself.

Maybe you learnt to hide parts of yourself so you could stay safe. Maybe you experienced rejection from family, friends, or faith communities. Even if you grew up in a supportive environment, the fear of being "too much" or "not enough" often lingers for many of us.

Some experiences that can shape attachment for gay and queer men include:

• It was difficult to come out, especially if it felt unsafe, traumatic, or isolating.

• The topic of discussion is family acceptance (or lack thereof).

• There have been experiences of bullying, rejection, or internalised homophobia.

• Early romantic or sexual experiences, especially if they were secretive or shrouded in shame.

• Navigating dating apps, hookup culture, and LGBTQIA+ relationship norms.

These experiences don’t define you, but they shape how safe vulnerability feels, how easily you trust, and how you respond when relationships feel uncertain.

What Can Your Attachment Style Teach You About Yourself?

Learning about your attachment style isn’t about labelling yourself as broken or dysfunctional. It’s about getting curious and compassionate about why you react the way you do, especially in moments of conflict, vulnerability, or uncertainty.

Here’s what your attachment style might reveal:

Your triggers: Do you panic when someone doesn’t text back? Do you pull away when things get serious? These aren’t random; they’re protective strategies your brain developed long before you knew they existed.

Your needs: Maybe you need more reassurance than you thought. Or maybe you need clearer boundaries to feel safe. Knowing this helps you ask for what you need, instead of assuming you’re “too much” or “too distant.”

Your patterns: Do you keep ending up in the same kinds of relationships? Understanding your attachment style can reveal why you’re drawn to certain dynamics and how to break cycles that no longer serve you.

Your potential: No matter where you start, attachment styles aren’t set in stone. With awareness, support, and practice, you can move towards more secure ways of relating even if your starting point felt anything but secure.

Attachment Styles Beyond Romance, Friendships, Sex, and Community

For gay and queer men, attachment styles don’t just show up in romantic relationships. They influence:

Friendships: Do you find it easy to trust your friends, or do you constantly feel like an outsider?

Sexual relationships: Do you separate sex from emotion or find intimacy through sex? Both can relate to attachment and how you learnt to seek connection.

Community connection: Do you feel at home in LGBTQIA+ spaces, or does vulnerability, even in friendships, feel risky?

Curiosity is the First Step

The most important takeaway from learning about attachment styles isn’t to judge yourself; it's to get curious. Self-awareness gives you choices. When you understand why you react the way you do, you can choose to respond differently.

You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Counselling can help you unpack these patterns in a safe, supportive space, especially with someone who understands the unique experiences of gay and queer men.

Want to Explore Your Attachment Style?

At Bent Couch Counselling, we regularly host Community Couch Conversations, online group sessions where gay and queer men can explore topics like attachment, intimacy, and connection in a safe, supportive space.

Alternatively, you can organise a Discovery Call with me to learn more and talk directly about your attachment style and how you can begin to get curious about changes in your relationships with others and yourself.

Shaun